5 Most Bizarre Criminal Sentences

The Tire Slashing, Sweater Knitting Granny
Old people can get a little crazy. It’s not really news to say that, since we’ve all had grandparents or at least been leered at awkwardly by some crazy old man named Pete. For the record, no, you don’t want his special candy. Anyway, an 89-year-old German woman named Heidi Kohl went a little nuts one night and decided to slash the tires of cars parked up and down her street. Apparently, she had gotten fed up with the sheer audacity of the people in her neighborhood, who for some reason believed that since they lived on the street, they should be able to park there. Not on Heidi’s watch, you nervy .In an attempt to out-crazy ol’ Heidi, the judge decided that the best recourse would be sentencing her to…no, not prison time…not a fine either. Nope, she was ordered by the court to knit sweaters for each of her victims. Which we think was a little bit of an easy sentence, because we all know that next to being crazy, the thing old people like best is going hog wild with a needle and some thread.
“I Now Pronounce You Abuser and Victim”
You know, maybe it’s just me, but if you’re a man or a woman in an abusive relationship, probably the last thing you should do is stay with that abusive significant other. I mean for God’s sake, look at all of those Lifetime movies dealing with this very issue! And if you can’t trust a Lifetime movie that’s telling you that staying in an abusive relationship is bad news, then who or what can you trust? Nothing, that’s who or what. Or maybe it’s a little bit of both. Either way, it’s a bad idea.But that didn’t stop a judge in Ohio back in 1995 from ordering a man suspected of domestic violence to settle down with his girlfriend in the apparent belief that married men do not beat their wives. According to the judge, the idea that there are actual “marital bonds” might make the abuser think things over before resorting to physical abuse. And it’s just so much easier for a woman to get out of an abusive relationship when you have to go through all of the legal trouble stemming from a divorce, right? Good call there, your honor.
The Guy Who REALLY Couldn’t Get a Girlfriend
Of course, there are some judges who would have gone in the complete opposite direction and ordered that the dude from Ohio should stay away from his abused girlfriend. And then there’s this judge from Canada who didn’t think that keeping an abusive guy away from one girl was enough. No, he went all out and banned 24-year-old Steven Cranley from having a girlfriend for three years after he beat up his girlfriend following her dumping him.But apparently there’s good reason for this ruling after all. It turns out that Cranley suffered from a dependent personality disorder and doctors thought it was highly likely he’d re-offend, so the judge decided it’d be in everyone’s best interest if Cranley just stayed the hell away from women until he got the proper psychiatric treatment. The bottom line is that I would just like to be a fly on the wall when this judge and the one from Ohio get together to drink Scotch and trade war stories. Especially when the Canadian judge whipped the Ohio judge’s ass for being such a moron.
Rap Fan Would Rather Pay Fine than Listen to Beethoven
Okay, now what the hell is it with Ohio judges? I’m still scratching my head over the dude who ordered an abusive boyfriend to marry his victim. And remember the kid who tried to steal had to wear the blindfold? Yeah, he was in Ohio too. And then there’s this guy, a judge from Urbana, Ohio who apparently doesn’t get these kids with that noise they call music, and wishes they’d just turn down the damn stereo already. Those damn whippersnappers.Andrew Vactor was driving around in his car, blasting his rap music, and apparently some folks didn’t take too kindly. Anyway, Vactor was facing a $150 fine for violating a noise ordinance when the judge decided to shake things up a little bit and offered to reduce the fine by $35 if Vactor agreed to listen to 20 hours of classical music. Initially, Vactor accepted the deal but reportedly gave up after 15 minutes. Apparently he didn’t appreciate just how thug Mozart really was.
Would You Make a Police Officer, Lettuce and Tomato Sandwich?
Pigs may be many things – bacon, ham, pork; just flat out delicious, really – but in case you were not aware, they are not police officers. Thank goodness, too, because they lack the dexterity to hold and fire a gun, let alone the aim to hit anything. We don’t even want to think about a pig behind the wheel of a squad car, either. That would just be ludicrous. But a judge in – you guessed it – Ohio just wanted to make sure we were all clear on just how not a police officer a pig actually is.Oh, and did I mention that this was the same damn judge who sentenced the loving teen? Quick side note here, if ever there was a judge with the balls to actually sentence someone to be a butler, it’s this guy. Anyway, back in 2002 a 44-year-old man apparently flipped off some cops and referred to them as pigs. The man was offered a deal: three days in jail, or two hours on a street corner with a pig, holding a sign saying “This is Not a Police Officer.” He chose the latter. Then, I’d like to think, he ate the pig.
[Via]